Epiphany

I’m very upset right now and I’m trying to keep my temper and my language to a reasonable level. We have an anonymous person that keeps posting to my husbands post that I’m 99% sure who it is. I could be wrong, but because of certain wording…I’m pretty sure. Saying that I am correct I would just like to say a couple of things.

You seem to think that my husband and I brag about the things that we have and we do nothing to help or to give to other people. Not that it’s anybody else’s business, but first off…what my husband and I have we have worked our fingers to the bone for and if there is something we want and we can get it…we will. Second, if we want to give everything we have away, we can choose to do so. We have given many things away to people…family, friends and strangers alike. My husband has also given his time freely to help people with computers and such because that is what he is good at. I have given my time at food pantries, I’ve made up bags with hats, mittens, toys, toothbrushes, etc., for the last few years and given them to shelters. I’ve given several items to homeless shelters including food and clothing.

I say prayers all the time for those in need and if you are who I think you are, I have on two separate occasions said a prayer that God take my life instead of your wife because her son needed her. Since I have no children I felt it was more important that I be taken instead of her. Yet she thinks I’m an EVIL person. Because I don’t throw my whole life out there for others to see (until now)…doesn’t mean that I don’t care and just because I’m an alcoholic (recovering), doesn’t make me a violent, terrible person. I have my own demons that I have dealt with my entire life, but I don’t make them who I am. I don’t let them make me a victim to the circumstances.

I’m going to let you in on a few secrets…yes, I know this is a public blog, but at this point I don’t care…I’m not ashamed of who I am. When I was two years old I had almost all the skin ripped off my right arm and breast from a coffee burn accident. I have scars…but that’s not who I am. When I was 6 years old, I was molested by a janitor at the school. I never told my parents or anyone about it until about two years ago, but it wasn’t who I was or who I am. When I was in the Army I was raped…twice! Once by two MP’s and once by a guy I was dating but I was blacked out and it was in a room full of people. I was embarrassed and ashamed and I never turned anyone in or told anyone about it until recently. It was not who I was or who I am. I refused to let them make me a victim.

It wasn’t until yesterday that for the first time in my life I realized a had allowed myself to be a victim and that was when I had my miscarriage and was not able to have children afterwards. My anger towards my husband and myself was bad but my anger toward God was unyielding! I stopped talking to God for three years. I lived in a deep black hole and during that time I gained 100 pounds and don’t remember hardly anything. I just remember being angry. It took years for me to deal with this and it wasn’t until just recently over the last few years of counseling that I’ve come to grips with everything. Unfortunately, in the process, I had also become chemically dependent on alcohol. That started really when our niece was taken from us after staying with us a few months and given back to her drug addict parents. This was like an epiphany to me yesterday morning….it dawned on me that all these years of fighting against being a victim, I had made myself a victim of my circumstances. So, now I’m pissed! I will be going forward on from here. Things are going to change….I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself, or envious of people with children and grandchildren. I love my nieces and nephews to death and will continue to spoil them rotten whenever possible.

If in the end, I have no one but myself and a bunch of dogs and cats surrounding me and I die with them eating me to survive…that’s okay!! So long as they’re ok till someone gets to them. ;-)

Ok…I’m not pissed anymore…feel much better. :-) Anonymous…screw yourself!

Take care and God bless ya’ll!! ;-)