Hi All! :-)

It's been quite a while since I've blogged.  I really need to get back into this. 

I had my gastric bypass surgery on March 13th.  I came back to work yesterday (March 26th)...and I'm tiiired!  Erik has been keeping me up to date with his blog and the kind responses from everyone concerning my surgery and all I can say is Thank you!  The hard part is over...now on to healing and going forward with a healthier lifestyle.  For me and hubby!! 

I've had pretty much a year of thinking and contemplating and crying and seeing my nutritionist and psychologist along with family and friends that were both supportive and undecided.  (Or even worse...extremely opinionated without doing any research or just hearing from a 'friend of a friend' how this or that didn't work). 

During this past year, I've learned that sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right...in your gut!  (lol...figuratively and literally in this case! :-) ).  This wasn't an easy decision to come by.  Yes, I've heard of the nightmares and complications in some cases.  I've heard of people dropping the weight, then in time, gaining it back.  (Singer Carnie Wilson for one example had the gastric bypass, lost the weight, gained it back and is now having the lap-band done).  She admits that she went back to her old ways.  I've been finding out more and more that people that go through this have not followed up on what they are supposed to do.  This includes counseling, support groups, exercising and of course, eating healthy. 

I know a person who is a friend of the family that went through the gastric bypass just a few months ago and she is now at a point that she can pretty much eat whatever she can tolerate.  She's dropping weight regardless of what she eats and she is gloating to everyone how thin she is getting and can eat whatever she wants.  THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!  Right now, she's like in a honeymoon phase.  Once she hits the end of that, if she continues at the rate she's going, she's going to gain all her weight back.  She hasn't gone to any follow-up appointments with her doctor, she isn't taking her vitamins, she's doing nothing she's supposed to do.

I just don't understand how anyone can go through the psychological classes, all the testing, and the surgery (including the pain afterwards), basically being on a liquid to soft food diet for almost two months and spend almost $30k (depending on your insurance coverage) and not at least make an attempt to follow-up on everything you've just gone through.  It's one thing to go on a diet and maybe not follow through with that...this is something completely different.  I understand that the surgery is just a tool to help you, but it's a MAJOR life-changing tool!

I know I might have some setbacks in the future and I know I have to be careful.  Like right now...the smell of food, ANY FOOD, makes me drool...but I can't eat it.  I know I'll go through my own 'honeymoon' phase, I just have to make sure that I go to my classes with the psychologist and to the support group and talk online to people going through the same thing.  I have to do this!  It's vital to my life now!  My biggest fear these last few years is that I would have a stroke or drop from a heart attack.  I don't want to do that to my husband if I can help it.  I love him too much!  I have to start loving myself now. 

Speaking of hubby...he has been absolutely AWESOME during this whole thing and I have so much to be grateful for.  Thank you Erik for loving me and standing by me through everything.  I love you honey!  ;-)

A story....with a happy ending!

Hello all…I know I haven’t blogged in awhile…no particular reason, just haven’t done it. 

I have a little story to tell.  (Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent ;-} ).

Before I met Erik, I was married to a man for almost 10 years.  His name was David and he had three kids.  Joshua was 13, Jacob was 10 and Sarah was 5…he had full custody of all three kids.  Joshua and Jacob were from his first wife and Sarah was from his second wife.  I was his third wife.  I was 22 years old when we married, he was 31. 

Sarah’s mom was still around and she had regular visits with her.  Joshua and Jacob’s mom had left when Joshua was 3 and Jacob was 1.  She left and never turned back.  I raised those kids like they were my own and let me tell you it was quite a ride.  Their dad was a raging alcoholic and drug addict…he had been sober for two years prior to meeting me, but felt since things were going so well that maybe he really wasn’t an alcoholic and started drinking again and never got it back under control even with AA. 

Joshua had a lot of trust issues (understandably so) and for the first three years, we butted heads a lot.  When he was 16, things changed and I think it was at that point that he realized I wasn’t going anywhere.  We still had our battles once in a while, but things were much better between us.  He was a good and caring young man and I loved him very much.

Jacob was an absolute sweetheart!  He could always put a smile on your face.  Unfortunately, he took after his father and was an addict.  He had started drinking at age 8 which we found out about when he was in his first stint in rehab at age 14.  He went into rehab a total of three times between the ages of 14 and 17.  He had been born with a hole in his heart and asthma so the drugs and alcohol weren’t helping his situation.  He had so many problems, but he was such a loving child.  He died from a drug overdose at the age of 23.  He left behind a wife and two kids…one of which he had adopted.  I loved Jacob so much, but it wasn’t enough to save him.

(I wanted to adopt the boys but we needed their mother’s signature and no one knew where she was.  Sarah's mom would never have allowed me to adopt Sarah, she wouldn't even let her call me mom when Sarah asked if she could). 

Sarah was an absolute joy!  She was a very good child and was always smiling and giggling.  She was a good student and always got good grades in school.  I adored her.

When Sarah was 12, David, Sarah and I moved to Florida.  Joshua and Jacob stayed here in Illinois with friends.  Things went from bad to worse with David’s addictions.  Sarah was at an age where she was starting to get a little rebellious.  We had a pretty rough time in Florida.  After almost two years there, I couldn’t handle it anymore.  I told David I wanted a divorce. 

It was almost Christmas and Sarah was going to be coming to Illinois anyway to see her mom for a couple of weeks.  We let her mom know what was going on and told her to keep Sarah there while David and I worked out our situation.  We put everything in storage and headed back to Illinois.  I stayed with my parents and I think he stayed with a friend.

We divorced and I kept in contact with the kids but stayed clear of David.  I had gone back down to Florida to get my stuff out of storage and brought Sarah all her stuff.  I then turned the key to the storage unit over to David (through Joshua).  The only thing I had taken other than my own things were some pictures of the kids. 

When Jacob died, it was heartbreaking.  I can’t even describe the sadness.  The boys mom showed up at the funeral.  I could see in Joshua’s face the sadness of losing his brother, but at the same time, the joy of meeting his mom.  (I personally resented her being there because she hadn’t seen her boys for almost 23 years and she suddenly shows up and cries the tears of a mourning mother…I didn’t feel she had the right, but that was my opinion). 

When I left after the funeral, right or wrong, I felt like I was no longer needed.  Sarah had her mom, Joshua now had his mom…I walked away.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I didn’t want to be in the way.  I didn’t want to put Joshua in a position where he might feel he had to choose or anything like that.  I figured if they needed me, they would call.  I never got the call so I figured all was well. 

Let’s move to the present day.  I have felt a lot of emptiness over the years of not having children.  When I left Joshua and Sarah, it left a hole in my soul that could never be filled.  I have felt like there was no reason for me to even be here.  If I didn’t have kids and never made a difference in a childs life, why was I here?  It’s all been a part of my depression over the years.  I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past few months and whenever I brought up the kids I would cry.  He felt that I should try to contact them.  I didn’t know if they wanted anything to do with me all these years so I never tried.  It's been 15 years.  He said to try.

I found Joshua on Facebook.  I kept it simple and just said I wanted to know how he was and that I had missed him.  I kind of figured he would tell me to go to hell, but I had to try.  The response I got back absolutely floored me!  He told me how much he had missed me and that I had such a huge impact on his life that I would never know.  He has been married for almost 12 years and has three boys.  He said I was the only mom he’s ever known and would love to have me back in his life. (His mom left after the funeral and stayed in contact with him for about a month then decided she didn’t want anything more to do with him).  We’ve been talking for almost a month now and we finally got to see each other this past Sunday.  I met his beautiful wife Rebecca and will be meeting his boys soon.  I also got in contact with Sarah and she’s been married for 9 years and has two beautiful little girls.  She has never had any ill feelings towards me and she said that every year at my birthday she would say Happy Birthday Ronda.  They both said that they had hoped I was happy especially considering what I had gone through with their dad. 

Joshua (who mind you is only 9 years younger than me) considers me his mom and grandma to his three boys.  He told them all about me and they can’t wait to meet me.  Erik and Joshua connected right away…so that’s AWESOME! 

One more thing, David never went back and got his stuff out of storage.  (He passed away 7 years ago).   I showed Joshua and Rebecca the pictures I had, which was a pretty good stack, and they were absolutely thrilled!  They had no pictures of when Joshua, Jacob and Sarah were little.  Erik is going to put them on DVD so they have copies. 

For the first time in my life, I have felt like I made a difference in someone’s life.  I had no idea the impact I had on Joshua and Sarah's lives.  My life will never be the same.   Erik and I have a new family in our lives now and we have so much to look forward to in the future.

Take care and God bless!

Facing the Truth

The key truths that people must seek out are those elements of self that define them as individuals—who they really, truly, finally and irrevocably are, deep inside. And in order to do that, they must rid themselves of illusions about all manner of forces that have distracted them and made them afraid, including traumatic experiences from childhood that made them worry about how punishing the world can be, as well as relationships with others who convinced them to abandon their deeply held beliefs or interests.

They must, essentially, reawaken some of what they were born with—the God-given, inexplicable, ultimately undefeatable capacity to move in the direction of their own, unique interests, abilities, beliefs and dreams.

This is why the image of Christ on the cross is such a powerful one.
...
Christ doesn’t give up his core self for anything.

He doesn’t surrender it even when he is in terrible pain on the cross, wondering if he is totally alone.

He doesn’t pretend that those who have hated him for his beliefs are his friends.

He doesn’t fool himself into thinking that they love him.

He doesn’t down three scotches because of the gathering storm that will take his life.

He doesn’t eat himself into oblivion.

He doesn’t change his appearance at the plastic surgeon’s office in order to avoid his persecutors or reality.

He doesn’t inject himself with heroin to kill the pain in his hands.

He doesn’t Tweet nonsense about his daily routine to people who say they’ll follow him when they really won’t and never intended to, anyhow.

He doesn’t even let hatred for his oppressors, in the final moments of his life on earth, cloud his vision of who he is and why he has come here.

This is precisely what is required of people who really want to find themselves. Because the way we lose ourselves is by turning away from realities that seemed too painful to bear as we grew up: people who insisted we abandon our feelings, our sense of right and wrong, our talents, our opinions, our most heartfelt goals, our likes and dislikes, our hopes for unconditional love.

This giving up of self is what causes all the suffering. It causes us to be depressed. It causes us to be anxious and panic. It causes us to seek all manner of self-defeating distraction. It even causes us to hear voices and see visions generated by our own thoughts boomeranging back to us as hallucinations because we have denied them an audience in our conscience minds. They’re too threatening, so we disown them, and then they own us.

The fact that Christ is resurrected is a powerful fact for anyone seeking to restore themselves to well-being—to life. Because in order to achieve a spiritual or psychological rebirth, you must be willing to abandon all the psychological defenses that have kept you from seeing your life story for what it has been. That is including the fact that some people you very much hoped would love you did not love you. That your hopes that the world would be predictable were dashed by unexpected losses. That you followed paths that felt easier when your real path would have been truer, but much harder, and that you are mortal and will have to say goodbye to everything and everyone you truly love, which should only immeasurably enhance your very love of those things and those people.

You have to be willing to die to live.

Dr. Keith Ablow

Lil F***er got me last night > - l

Damn little rat bas***d.  Bit so deep in my finger that he was just hanging there.  #^%*&
Yes...he's still alive...I didn't kill him.  Blood everywhere though.  Fang is out...Lil F***er is in! 

Chuckles and Fang

Ok...I have discussed my husband Erik, my dog Loki and my cat Jessie.  Now it's the gerbils turn.

I got my gerbils before I got Loki.  Why?  Because I wanted a dog.  Erik wouldn't let me get a dog, so I got gerbils.  (Prior to this...it was fish...long story...maybe some other time).  S'anyway...my dear little gerbils.  One is named Chuckles...he is a sandy brown adorable little gerbil who got the name Chuckles because he would run as fast as he could in the wheel then stop running.  The wheel continued to rock and he would sit there I swear 'chuckling'.  Chuckles he was. 

Fang on the other hand....he's the black gerbil.  Let's see if you can guess how I came up with that name?  Hmmm...well let's see...it was either Fang or Lil F***er....(I even considered Lil Bas***d but didn't think it was fair to his mother since I didn't know her and didn't want to judge).  I finally decided on Fang since I knew with all my nieces and nephews coming by and visiting, they might ask me their names and I didn't think Lil F***er was appropriate.  Fang he was. 

This is Chuckles

This is Fang.

I've had Chuckles and Fang for a little over 2 years.  They have a 2-5 year life expectancy and so far they're both hanging in there just fine.  In all fairness...Fang has become a little more mellow when it comes to biting.  Now he just nibbles.  No blood involved.  He still fights me when I try to pick him up, but I'm a lot more stubborn (and bigger) than him.  I WILL win!  Chuckles on the other hand...he's my little bubby...he's the sweetheart of the two.  It's a total joy to watch him play. 

Something new just recently happened and I felt the need to write about it.  These two have lived together in total happiness with each other all this time.  One day, I noticed that they were each sleeping on opposite ends of the tank.   (I chose a tank over a cage...much easier to keep the area around it clean).  That has NEVER happened.  They have always slept together in a little cave that they make each time I clean out the tank.  Now, if Chuckles went anywhere near Fang, Fang would start chasing him and Chuckles would go flying across the tank.  What the hell?!?!?!  So I did some research.  Not to get into too much lengthy detail...what is going on is Fang is de-clanning Chuckles.  I had to separate them or Fang would most likely kill Chuckles.  This apparently is quite common. 

They actually suggest getting a couple of 'pups' and put one in with each gerbil and they won't get lonely.   Ummmm....let's see....so...I get 2 more gerbils and put one in each tank with each gerbil.  So when they eventually de-clan, I'll go from 4 gerbils to what...8 gerbils!?!??!?!?!  REALLY?!?!??!?!  No...just ain't happenin!  It was also suggested to get a couple of females.  Ok...let's think about that.  Female gerbils can have 7 babies at a time...several times a year.  I could have hundreds of gerbils by the end of the year.  Uh....I'm afraid I'm gonna have a couple of lonely gerbils.  I try to give them as much attention as I can, but they just ain't gettin no company.  (I did try putting Chuckles back in with Fang after a day or so, but when Chuckles went flying across the tank again, I thought better of it). 

Now what I find is the funny part...apparently, they each had a specific job to do when building their 'sleeping quarters'.  Fang chewed everything up and Chuckles put the 'cave' together.  I never really thought much of it till I separated them.  Now, it's just too funny.  I look in each tank and Fang has his stuff all chewed up but not really what you would call a home...it was kind of scattered.  Chuckles paper and stuff was still all in one piece but put together (although kinda lookin like a worn down shack) into a little cave. 

                                          This is Fang's home.

                                          This is Chuckles home.

Animals are such funny little creatures.  They each have their own little personalities and they really are such a joy to watch.  Dogs, cats, gerbils...even fish. 
All creatures great and small, God made them all. 

Beautiful day!

It's Saturday morning and we woke up to the sun shining.  We opened all the blinds in the RV and the sky is blue and it's gorgeous outside.  We're gonna go for a long walk later.  Erik fixed all the leaky problems yesterday and we can finally relax.

Yesterday we went to this RV place to get the part he needed (J & J RV).  Nice people...huge dealership!  It was cold and gray yesterday and I had doubled up with a sweatshirt and jacket cause it was pretty windy too.  I went in with Erik to just look around a little.  Seeing nothing of interest I asked him for the keys so I could sit out in the warm car with the dog while he finished up.  He looked at me funny and says 'but I want to go look at some of the RV's'...I'm like 'huh?!?...why???'  He says 'we're here to have fun aren't we?'  Once again... 'huh?!?!?'  His idea of fun and my idea of fun are two totally different things. 

Sooooooo....we finish up and walk out to the lot.  I think I mentioned that this place was HUGE...I'm not exagerating (sp?).  We walk and he's stopping to take pictures of all the older RV's while I'm shivering behind him.  We get to this one that he had seen on the website and he is excitedly walking around it snapping pictures while I'm standing between two RV's trying to keep the wind from blowing me away.  (I'm a big girl so it tells u how windy it would have to be to blow me away).  He tells me to go back to the car and wait and he'll meet me there later.  So without further ado, I shivered my way back to the car. 

It was quite a walk so I decided I would just take the car and pick him up and we could just drive from RV to RV.  I drive back to the spot he was at and he's no longer there.  So I continue driving around for a good five minutes with no luck.  I finally see him back up near the building and he looks exasperated.  I open the car door so he can take over the driving and his eyes are practically bulging out of the sockets.  He says 'didn't u see me behind you running and waving my hands?  I was yelling and you just kept going....you turned the corner and I run to meet you and you turned the next corner.  Don't you ever look in your rearview mirror?'  He wasn't yelling, just speaking AT me.  lol! 

So anyway, he takes over the driving and we go from RV to RV while he takes pictures.  Neither one of us realized how big this place was, it just kept going and going.  They had all these really old RV's that Erik was just fascinated with.  I'm not saying they weren't interesting, but I just didn't see the big deal.  We FINALLY get done and then he decides he wants to see them from the other side of the fence (there was like a little frontage road outside of the dealership that on the other side of it was a huge vehicle dump.  Now THAT was fascinating.  All the trucks and cars that were left there to die.  :-(  It was almost sad to look at.  I told Erik that at least they have friends to hang with...I know, I'm pathetic, but it's me).  So, while he's looking at the RV's from the backside, I'm looking at the vehicle dump.  We get done there and head back to the campsite.  We've had our 'fun' for the day.  :-)

When we got back, while Erik worked on the water pipe, I took Loki over to the field and let her run.  The sky was looking pretty nasty and the wind was really picking up.  I was actually starting to keep an eye out for funnel clouds.  It rained a little, but nothing serious.  It's supposed to storm tonight...hail and everything, but we're going to enjoy today as much as possible before that starts up.

Take care everyone and God bless!

the next day.....

Well, I don't want to jinx anything, but so far so good.  Erik got the hot water heater going with only a few drips.  Yea...shower time!!  We'll head to the store later to get the correct parts. 

It's nice to just sit and relax now.  Loki has calmed down, Erik has calmed down, all is well in the Andersen RV saga.  :-) 

oh...it's raining.  lol!